


Grin And Bear It

by WowGeeThanks



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Attempted Suicide, Depression, Destiel - Freeform, Gay, M/M, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-13
Updated: 2017-09-13
Packaged: 2018-12-27 16:59:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 9,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12085365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WowGeeThanks/pseuds/WowGeeThanks
Summary: ArtMajor!Cas and EnglishMajor!Dean





	1. The Jerk

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own the characters of Supernatural, I just decided to write this fanfic about them.

Castiel sighed and fixed his glasses on the bridge of his nose as he stared down at the piece of paper he was sketching on. He had no ideas.

He stopped what he was doing and ran a hand through his black hair. He started wondering what his new roommate would look like, and if they would get along.

Cas hoped they would at least be able to tolerate each other.

With a sudden bang the door was knocked open and a boy with longish brown hair tumbled in with two large boxes. He steadied himself and put them on the bed before walking out again.

Was this his roommate? He kind of hoped not. No offence to him personally, but he didn't think he could handle living with someone else who was clumsy. He was clumsy enough as it was and two people like that would make a mess of this room and an embarrassment of each other.

Another guy walked in, shorter hair, well, he was just shorter in general.

Cas looked him over cautiously, he seemed more steady as he placed his boxes down on the bed.

The other one came back in, another load of boxes and by the looks of it that was all that was left.

"Thanks for helping Sammy." The shorter one chuckled, hugging the other before pulling away to sit lazily on his bed.

Sammy rolled his eyes. "I told you not to call me that." He made what looked like a very intense bitch-face before walking out, saying a quick goodbye.

So not Sam was sharing a room with Castiel, thank heaven.

Cas looked back down at his book and sighed quietly, pulling his glasses off before rubbing his eyes.

"So..."

Cas put his glasses back on and brought his attention back to the guy sharing the dorm room with him.

"I'm Dean." He introduced himself with a small smile.

He blinked once in shock before blushing at the fact that he was supposed to actually interact with the other. "I- oh, um.. I'm Castiel Novak." Cas gave a nervous smile.

Dean chuckled. "Castiel, that's a real mouthful. Mind if I call you Cas instead?" He asked, taking a Swiss Army knife out of his pocket and cutting a box open.

Cas shook his head. "Please refrain from calling me that." He said calmly.

"Alright Cas." Dean smirked tauntingly.

"My name is Castiel. Not Cas."

"Okay, /Cas/."

What an annoying person... Castiel thought to himself. He couldn't get along with someone who was clearly trying to infuriate him. He gave the other a small glare and went back to his sketch book,

Dean laughed quietly. "Take it easy Cas. Don't get your panties in a bunch." He rolled his eyes and started putting up his posters.

Cas ignored him and started sketching out a beaten down angel, black ooze splattered over parts of his clothes and dripping down his arms, black veins visible on his face and neck.

Dean started humming something that Cas didn't know as he pinned a Metallica poster on his wall.

The dark haired man looked up at his roommate and let out a quiet sigh. He had to admit that Dean was actually quite attractive.

Cas looked back at his drawing and erased the facial features, he liked the idea of leaving it blank except for the veins and black ooze.

"Whatcha drawing Cas?" Dean asked from his bed.

Cas stopped. "Nothing of importance to you." He responded a little harshly.

Dean frowned. "What'd I do to get you so mad at me?" He huffed when Cas went back to drawing without answering him. "Fine then... Be that way!" He glared and put in some earbuds that were hooked up to a portable cassette player and blasted Kansas into his ears.

Cas rolled his azure eyes and kept drawing. He was intent on ignoring his roommate for the rest of the year and even he didn't know why he was so angry at him.

He sat there quietly for a couple hours, stopping occasionally to add more lead to his mechanical pencil. Cas put his book and pencil aside and got up, walking out of the dorm room.

Castiel strode towards the nearest vending machine and bought himself a bottle of water before going back to the room.

Along the way he noticed a door open and a girl inside with red hair, she was crying quietly into her hands.

Cas furrowed his brow and walked toward her room before leaning against the doorframe. "Are you alright?" He asked politely.

Her head shot up and she rubbed her eyes. "Yeah, I'm fine." She smiled sadly.

Cas shook his head and walked over to her. "No, you're not. Why were you crying?" He looked at her expectantly.

The red head shook her head and sighed. "My girlfriend just left me, after three years." She looked down, tears starting in her eyes again.

He frowned and pulled her into a hug. "I'm sorry." Cas rubbed her back and sighed quietly. "Do you know why?" He asked cautiously.

She shook her head and pulled away, wiping up her tears. "She thinks I was cheating on her. I didn't though!" The red head frowned. "She didn't even talk to me about it she just said I was cheating on her and left!"

Cas nodded slowly and thought for a moment. "If she thinks you would do something like that without talking to you about it then she isn't worth your time. Don't waste your tears on her. You seem like a nice girl and I'm sure that you will find someone worth your time." He smiled a little, trying to reassure her.

The red head smiled a little and hugged him. "Thanks." She looked up at Cas. "I'm Charlie." She said, cheering up a little.

"No problem Charlie. I'm Castiel, it's nice to meet you." He said truthfully, looking at her alarm clock. "I need to head back to my dorm. It's getting late." He sighed, dreading the thought of going back to his roommate.

Charlie frowned a bit, picking up on his uneasiness. "Here's my number.." She said, quickly scribbling it out and handing it to him. "Text me later, I can tell you're not excited about going back to your room." She pointed out.

Cas excepted it and shrugged. "I'll text you about it later." He nodded slowly and got up.

Charlie nodded in response.

He left the room and headed back to his own. When he got there he stepped inside and went over to his bed.

"Couldn't find the room?" Dean asked in a sarcastic, snarky tone from his bed.

Cas glared over at him and laid down, ignoring the question.

Dean glared right back. "If you need me to make you a map for next time I'd gladly do so." He chuckled at himself.

"Are you implying that I am stupid?" Cas looked over, his irritation clearly etched across his usually calm and caring face.

Dean laughed at that. "What if I am?" He asked with a small smirk.

Cas took in a deep breath and pulled out his phone, programming Charlie's number in before texting her.

Castiel: Hey, it's Castiel.

"What? Can't think of anything to say back?"

He turned out his light and laid on his side, not facing Dean as he waited for a response.

Charlie: Oh, hey! :) what's up?

Cas sighed quietly, blocking out his roommate as best as he could.

Castiel: Not much, just dealing with my roommate...

Charlie: What's he doing?

Castiel: Being a real jerk... Pretty sure he called me stupid.

Charlie: What the hell!? Want me to beat him up?

Cas smiled a little, they had just met, but Cas was pretty sure him and Charlie were already pretty close.

Castiel: No, it's fine. I'm just gonna ignore him, thanks though.

Charlie: okay, well if you change your mind.. I will pummel him into oblivion :)

Castiel: Awe. I'll keep that under consideration.

Charlie: Yay! Oh, I need to sleep. Nighty night!

Castiel: Goodnight Charlie.

Cas turned his phone off and sighed, sitting up enough so that he could put his phone and drawing supplies on the nightstand beside his bed.

He caught sight of Dean staring at him and glared a little. "What?" He crossed his arms.

Dean only rolled his eyes. "Nothing." He turned over after shutting his lamp off and then pulled his blankets up to his chin.

Cas laid back down and pulled his blankets up. He let out a soft sigh and frowned, he really didn't want to hate Dean, but the guy just made it way too easy.


	2. Bus Stop Art

Cas woke up in a cold sweat, tears lashing down his cheeks and heart pounding. He sighed and wiped at his tears carefully.

Looking over slightly he noticed that he had accidentally fallen asleep with his glasses on. Cas sighed and picked them up, putting them on. Thankfully his glasses weren't damaged.

He got up and picked out an outfit, deciding that today he wanted to wear a cute knee length black skirt over black leggings with a black t-shirt.

Cas got dressed after noting that Dean was still asleep. He looked at himself in the small mirror hanging inside of his closet and smiled a little.

It had been at least four years since Cas realised that he was gender fluid. His younger brother Gabriel was the only one in his family that knew about it.. The rest, Cas hoped, would never find out.

Cas made his bed and sighed, giving his sleeping roommate a weary glance. God only knows what he would think if he saw Cas dressed in girls clothes.

Cas' phone buzzed quietly and he picked it up.

Charlie: You awake?

Castiel: Yeah, why?

Charlie: No reason... Oh! Guess what I programmed your name as!

Castiel: I give up, what is it?

Charlie: lol, AngelOfTheLord.

Castiel smiled a little, and quickly thought of something for her name. When he decided he sent Charlie another text.

Castiel: I like that. I labelled you as QueenOfMoonBeams.

Charlie: Haha! I am a queen, bow down peasants!

Castiel: All hail our illustrious queen!

Charlie: Lol! Yes! We should hang out after I'm out of class.

Charlie: speaking of class, I have to go! I'll text you when I'm out!

Castiel: Okay, bye!

Cas looked up when he heard Dean grunt and his bed squeak.

Dean looked over and yawned. "What time is it?" He muttered to himself.

Cas watched him curiously, against his own better judgment.

Dean looked up at the clock with a yawn. His eyes went wide and he hurried out of bed, stripping and tugging on a new outfit before he left, not even glancing at Cas.

Castiel rolled his eyes and drank from the water bottle he had grabbed the night before, he was still a little shaken up from his nightmare, but talking to Charlie about random things managed to calm him down a little.

Since he didn't have classes today he decided that he would go out and look for subjects to draw, objects, maybe people if they didn't catch on to what he was doing.

He grabbed his denim satchel and put his drawing book and pencil case inside before throwing on a pair of black and white converse.

Cas slung his bag over his shoulder and left the room, phone carefully nestled in his bag. He went outside and made his way down to the bus stop, sitting down on one of the benches inside of the little booth.

No one was there yet so Cas couldn't draw people. Instead he picked a random object on the sidewalk and pulled his book and a pencil out. He sketched it out carefully.

After a while Castiel heard someone sit down, he looked up and hummed quietly, observing his potential 'client'.

Cas nodded to himself and started drawing the man, noting his physique and jawline, God.. His jawline was so sharp that Cas could probably cut pie with it. As he moved along, drawing him from the shoulders up he came to realise that this was the same guy that had helped his roommate move in.

He jumped when he realised the man was staring at him curiously. Cas hid behind his drawing book and kept sketching, though he didn't know if that was a good idea.

"Hey, you're Dean's roommate." The guy, pointed out as if Castiel didn't know.

Cas nodded hesitantly.

Sam ran a hand through his dark brown mane. "Why are you here...? And why are you staring at me?" He looked kind of awkward as he looked at Cas.

Cas blushed and looked at his half done sketch. "Uh- I.. Um, I-" He stuttered, avoiding Sam's gaze as best as he possibly could. "I- I was drawing you.." He said quietly, hoping that the other didn't hear him.

Sam smiled. "I take it you're an art major then?" He waited for Castiel's hesitant nod before continuing. "Why are you drawing in a bus stop?"

Cas shrugged and looked at Sam. "You always find the most interesting people in bus stops. You can't see their story from just looking at them, you have to look through them to draw them, you have to pay attention to each and every detail, every freckle, every blemish, every scar..." Cas rambled smiling thoughtfully. "With each look closer at the person as you draw them, the more their story is revealed to you..." He tapped the eraser half of his mechanical pencil against the paper.

With a nod Sam looked at Cas. "Yeah, I guess you have a point." The ghost of a smile graced his lips. "You have a really thoughtful outlook on things."

Cas blushed faintly and started sketching again, trying to capture all of Sam's features. The eyes, Cas found, were captivating. So much emotion ranged through the man's eyes, pain, anger, sadness, love, caring, and the hint of a past tragedy lingered there. It was difficult for The younger man to try and recreate these emotions in the drawing, but he did somehow manage.

He figured if he were to draw Dean, he wouldn't get the same emotions, he'd probably just find hollowness.

The thought of Dean made Cas sneer and without thinking he asked, "has your brother always been such a jerk?"

Sam sighed and looked at him. "He really isn't... He's a nice guy, but there are times that he can be a real dick." He shrugged and looked over at Cas.

Cas bit back his laughter. "He called me stupid."

With a sigh Sam shook his head, noting that the bus was now there. "I have to go, I'll talk to Dean about that."

"Thank you, but don't bother."


	3. A Riding Crop?

It had been a couple hours since Castiel's run in with Sam and he was now out shopping with Charlie.

"What do you think of this?"

Castiel looked over at Charlie who now sported a pair of black shorts that were styled like overalls, a black t-shirt and a pair of black tights that had the batman symbol all over them. "You look nice Charlie." He said truthfully.

Charlie started smirking and shoved Cas into the booth to change. She ran off for a moment leaving him alone.

He looked confused for a moment, what was she planning?

A few minutes of waiting later and Charlie was back. She tossed clothes over the top for Cas.

Cas took them and looked them over, a dark purple dress shirt, dark blue scarf, black trench coat, black dress pants... And... A riding crop? "Ugh... Charlie?"

"Put it on! No questions!"

Cas complied and got dressed, dress pants first and then making sure the dress shirt was done up all the way before he slid the jacket on and pulled the scarf on, not bothering to tie it before walking out, riding crop in hand.

Charlie giggled and tied the scarf properly. "I already bought this for you, you're wearing it home!" She smirked.

Cas gaped at her. "You didn't have to buy it!" He exclaimed.

"I wanted to."

"Charlie this is too much-"

"Don't argue, you look great!"

He bit his lip to keep from arguing, knowing that he wouldn't win. He looked at himself in a mirror and blushed.

Charlie came up beside him, still in the same outfit. "We look hot." She grinned. "Let's go out on the town!"

"Alright..."

She tugged him out of the shop, the outfits they'd come in in separate bags. "We could- oh look, we should go see a movie! I think the new Captain America is out!" She looked excited.

Cas grinned. "Alright, but I'm paying for everything!"

Charlie shrugged. "Okay, whatever. Let's just go!" She said excitedly.

They went inside and got their tickets, quickly making their way to the recession stands where Cas didn't look all that happy suddenly.

"What are you doing here?" Dean asked from behind the counter.

Charlie scoffed. "We're here to watch a movie." She answered, though the question wasn't directed at her.

Cas looked down a little, he felt awkward now. Had going to the movies even been a good idea? Seriously.

Dean crossed his arms. "Whatever. What do you want?" He asked.

"You're kind of an ass." Charlie remarked. "I'll get a soda and some popcorn. Castiel, what would you like?"

Cas shook his head. "I'm fine, nothing for me." He replied.

"Thirteen dollars and twenty five cents."

Cas got out his wallet and paid for everything, following Charlie to where the drinks and popcorn were.

She looked at him worriedly. "Are you okay..?" She asked.

"Yeah. I'm okay Charlie, really. I am." He forced a small smile.

"Alright... Who was that guy?"

"My roommate...."

"You're kidding!"

"Nope..."

"What an ass!"

Cas nodded and walked past the ticket guy giving him both of their tickets and in return, getting their 3D glasses.

They went to theatre number five and found themselves good seats since they were there early.

Charlie was bouncing up and down in her seat, looking beyond excited.


	4. Arcade Haze

"Oh my fucking God, that movie was amazing!" Charlie exclaimed as they walked out of the theatre room, heading to the arcade.

"Yeah, it was cool." Cas agreed, gnawing at his lip as they walked past the concession stand where Dean was still working.

They went right up to the token machine and Charlie pulled her wallet out, putting enough money in for the maximum amount of arcade money they could get.

The red head took Cas' hand and dragged him to the photo booth, sitting down next to her new friend. "Close the curtain dude!"

Castiel nodded and shut the curtain before adjusting the way he was seated so they were both in perfect view of the camera. "Which frames would you like to use?" He asked after they inserted two coins.

"The rainbow ones duh!"

He nodded and selected the rainbow frame.

"Look into the camera." The electronic voice of the phone booth directed.

Charlie rolled her eyes and threw an arm around Cas who just smiled gingerly at the camera as the girl he was seated with held her fingers up in a peace sign behind Cas' head, giving him bunny ears while she smiled at the camera widely.

"Three... Two... One." Click.

In the next photo Cas shifted into a dramatic pose, giggling a bit at Charlie who was attempting to do a Madonna pose.

"Three... Two... One." Click.

The red head sucked in her cheeks and puckered her lips making a fish face while making fins with her hands.

Cas crossed his eyes and stuck his tongue out to the side.

"Three... Two... One." Click.

This time round Charlie hugged Cas loosely around the shoulders and kissed his cheek carefully.

He smiled a small, adorable smile and curled his arms up to gently grip her arms with his hands.

"Three... Two... One." Click.

They both smiled and released each other waiting for the thing to pop up saying that it was time to finish up.

Charlie quickly pressed the two copy button, patiently waiting for the photo booth to print out their pictures.

After a minute or so Cas heard them drop into the small pocket and picked them up, laughing when he saw them, handing his new friend her copy. "Wow." He mused.

She nodded in agreement. "You're so cute! Oh my god!" Charlie exclaimed, pointing to the last photo.

"And look at you, the next Madonna? I think so!" He grinned and pointed to the second photo.

They got out and tucked the photos into their pockets.

"Air hockey. Now." Charlie said, staring at the table excitedly.

He nodded and followed her to it, watching as she fed it coins.

Cas heard the puck drop on his side and picked it up, grabbing his paddle(?). He placed the puck down and waited for Charlie to get ready before knocking the puck across to her side where she blocked it.

"You're going down Cassy boy!" She smirked at him in challenge.

"You're on Charles!"

\---

"I can't believe you beat me!" Charlie exclaimed as they now stood in front of the claw machine.

"Only by one." He reminded.

"True..."

Cas put a coin in and started the game, moving the claw over the stuffed animal of a bee that he REALLY wanted. He hit the silly red button and the claw dropped, closing around the bee and lifting it. Just as it almost reached the hole, the bee fell out of the claws grasp.

He started frowning.

Charlie cracked her knuckles. "Let a pro show you how it's done." She smirked and took over for the final try, swinging the claw over the bee and hitting the button.

In a matter of seconds the stuffed bee was lifted up and dropped into the shoot, falling to the bottom where Cas quickly retrieved it and hugged it to his chest.

They went around to every other game, each winning some games while loosing others, but in the end they had extra coins which Charlie insisted that they use on more photos in the small booth.

By the end of their arcade haze they had at least ten strips of photos together.

"I love the photo of you with the bee on your head Castiel, so cute." She teased, pinching his cheek and smiling.

He rolled his eyes and laughed. "You put it there, remember that Charlie."

She shrugged and pulled out her phone, smirking and typing something on it before pocketing it again.

"What'd you do?"

"I programmed your name as 'Bumblebee'." She said in a matter-of-fact tone.

He smiled. "Okay then." He patted her on the head and walked out with her, catching Dean's candy apple green eyes before they made it fully out of the building.


	5. Trying To Be Nice

Cas smiled up at the wall he had now covered in book and television show posters, running his hand over the photo clipping he and Charlie had gotten from the arcade earlier that day.

He felt truly happy knowing that him and Charlie were already good friends. He liked the way she was so outgoing in photos, the fish face one had to be his favourite one so far.

The door to the dorm room opened and Dean came in, thudding into his bed with a heavy sigh.

"Long day at work?" Cas asked, trying to be a little polite.

"Oh, finally deciding to actually talk to me?"

"You seemed stressed out, and I'm trying to be polite."

"You didn't care about being polite before..."

"And neither did you."

Dean scoffed and looked at him. "Whatever, I tried, but you were being a stuck up asshole!"

Cas turned a rather feral glare towards his roommate. "Really now?" He got up off of his bed and made his way to the centre of the room.

The Winchester followed the action, getting up and walking to meet Cas. He stood before him, looking him down. "Yeah." Dean poked him hard in the chest. "You are a stuck up asshole. You think you're better than me! Newsflash Cas, you aren't!" He prodded him in the chest again.

The Novak slapped his hand away and attempted to square up to Dean, azure eyes staring right through him. "I don't think I'm better than you! See, this is part of the reason I don't like talking to you."

"What reason is that?"

"You assume that I think I'm better than you. I'm possibly one of the worst people out there. I'm garbage. I'm nothing. Now, please... Kindly leave me alone, and don't call me Cas."

Dean furrowed his eyebrows and opened his mouth to speak, quickly shutting it when Cas held up a hand to stop him.

"Save it... I'm sorry I said anything." Cas grimaced and shook his head, turning to go lay back down on his bed.

The brunette lingered in the middle of their room a bit longer, mouth opening for him to speak again, but shutting automatically before he laid back down in his bed.

Castiel sighed to himself and clung to his pillow again, tightly. The soft object wasn't a very good replacement for his blade, but it was better than nothing.

And as if his brain had transmitted some sort of signal of distress, he had a text from his brother.

TheTrickster: Hey Cassy!

Castiel: Hello Gabriel.

TheTrickster: You doing alright? How's college? Anyone that I might need to slaughter mercilessly?

Castiel stifled a small chuckle at how protective his brother seemed to be getting.

TheTrickster: Seriously. If anyone is picking on you I'll kill them.

TheTrickster: Like you don't understand.

TheTrickster: I will fucking skin them alive.

He couldn't hold back his laugh this time and in turn he ended up with a wide grin and a glance from his roommate which he ignored.

Castiel: College is good, I guess.. You don't need to kill anyone. Thank you for the offer though. I'll keep all of this in mind.

TheTrickster: You guess?

Castiel: Yeah, I mean... The art course isn't all that I was hoping for, and I don't know... It's stupid..

TheTrickster: Oh, that sucks lil' bro.. What's stupid?

Castiel: Its just... My roommate is kind of a jerk...

Castiel: Don't get me wrong, I don't want you to kill him or anything, but I just don't feel comfortable around him, you get me?

TheTrickster: Yeah, I get that. How is he a jerk? Like has he said anything about you wearing skirts, or something?

Castiel: No, nothing like that! He hasn't even seen me in one yet. He just seems to like irritating me and he's always so angry... I get that there must be something making him angry all the time, but does he have to take it out on me? Just before you texted we got in a small argument and he called me "a stuck up asshole" and said that I thought I was better than him when I'm not? Seriously, how am I stuck up? All I did was tell him not to call me Cas!

TheTrickster: And you ARE sure that I can't kill him?

Castiel: Yes, Gabriel. I'm sure that you can't kill him..

TheTrickster: Alright then, all I have to say is, maybe you could go to registration and see if you could get another roommate? I mean, you could also move in with me if you wanted, I don't live too far from the college.

He let out a sigh and ran a hand through his black hair. He couldn't do that... He couldn't just take over Gabriel's house like that.

Castiel: I'll try the registration thing... Thank you for the offer, but I don't really know.. I mean.. I don't want to keep you up all night because of studying.

TheTrickster: Alright :) Well, if you change your mind or they don't let you, my door is always open.

Castiel: Thank you, that means a lot.

TheTrickster: No problem kiddo.

TheTrickster: I have to go now, got me a date tonight! I'll talk to you later, okay?

Castiel: Oh. Okay! Good luck on your date.

TheTrickster: Haha, thanks! Love you!

Castiel: Love you too. Bye.

Castiel, knowing this was the end of the conversation, plugged his phone in and placed it down on his bedside table.

He laid down on his back and stared up at the ceiling, a sigh escaping his partially chapped lips.

From the corner of his eye, Castiel spotted Dean looking at him every so often. He knitted his eyebrows together and chewed on his bottom lip.

Okay, so his roommate kept arguing with him. Maybe he kept staring at Castiel for God knows what reason, but was Cas really right in thinking about asking for a different roommate?

His train of thought was interrupted by a phone ringing and as if on instinct he fumbled for his phone and looked at it, realizing it wasn't his phone going off.

"Hold on a sec Sammy, let me just step out of the room before you speak anymore!" Dean huffed in a somehow amused way.

Cas watched as Dean left the room, shutting the door after himself. Cas shook his head slowly and sighed for the millionth time that day, taking off his glasses and putting them on the side table. Maybe he would have a quick nap...


	6. Today Was A Bust, Tonight Is Hell

Cas was woken up by his alarm the next morning, and with a quiet groan of annoyance he pried himself up off the mattress, turning his alarm clock off.

He grunted quietly and searched listlessly for something to wear. His hands came into contact with his favourite black v-neck and his dark grey cardigan and he smiled, formulating his outfit.

He looked over towards Dean who was still asleep and then back to his clothes, grabbing a pair of black skinny jeans and boxers before changing into everything.

The Novak's tired blue eyes widened when he heard his roommate shuffle out of bed. He cringed internally and just continued to gather what he needed.

Dean let out a yawn and stretched, looking over at Cas with a raised eyebrow. He then shrugged and proceeded to get himself dressed, unaware of the way his roommates eyes would occasionally land on him.

Castiel picked up his bag and ran a hand through his hair before he slipped his shoes on and left, hurrying to class.

\---

Approximately three seconds after he stepped into the dorm room was he greeted with the sight of his... Not so pleasant roommate.

With a quiet groan Castiel went over to his bed and pulled out his sketch book, oil pastels, and pencil. He had at least four major assignments already.

To say the least, his day had been a complete bust, so now he hoped to have a semi peaceful night.

"Why the hell were you talking to my brother yesterday?" Dean's harsh voice spoke up suddenly, leaving Castiel to visibly freeze.

That was why Sam had called Dean the night before.

He knew he was completely screwed anyways, but he couldn't bring himself to say anything or even look up at Dean.

"Hello, fucking answer me. Why the hell do you think you can bitch to my brother? He gave me a fucking lecture last night because of you."

Cas squeezed his eyes shut. He felt his breathing start to pick up.

"You better fucking answer me..." The hostile tone Dean's voice had begun to take left Castiel to start trembling.

Growing up, his biggest fear had been yelling.

"Answer me for fucks sakes!"

"Stop...." He managed to squeak out, breathing slowly becoming shallow. Cas' blue eyes flickered up to Dean nervously.

The Winchester hadn't seemed to pick up on his sudden panic, instead he crossed his arms and narrowed his green eyes at his roommate.

"Stop..." Cas whimpered out, eyes shutting tightly. That one word seemed to be the only one he could speak out with, whispering the quiet plea over and over again.

Dean furrowed his eyebrows, watching Cas suddenly start scribbling something onto the page he should have been drawing on. He heard the plea and suddenly realised the state of panic his roommate was in. "Cas...?"

His book was tossed aside in a matter of seconds and Cas bolted out of the room, he needed some time to relax. He needed to be away from Dean at all costs.

His feet carried him to the nearest bathroom and he shut himself up inside of it, checking around for people before realising it was past curfew so no one would be out and about.

Castiel curled up into a corner and attempted to steady his breathing. His body shook with his silent sobs, and his fingers tugged at his black/brown hair. Why did he have to cry? He felt weak when he cried...

He couldn't handle this.

The only thought running through his head at the moment was that he wanted- no, he needed to cut.

He needed something, anything. Something to dull any feelings he had at that moment. He wanted to feel nothing except the blood dripping from new cuts on his wrists.

When he couldn't find anything sharp he started to claw at his wrists with his nails.

His thoughts hurried back to his room and without thinking, so did his trembling form, diving into his bed without a word.

Cas grabbed his book and a pencil, flipping to another page. He was going to do it. He was going to write the note.

Cas took a shaky breath, looking to the other side of his room where his roommate no longer was. He looked back at the page and began to write.

So I guess this is it.  
If you haven't already figured it out, what I'm writing here is my note.

I'm sorry Gabriel... You didn't know I was still thinking this way... I never mentioned anything to you because I didn't want you to be unhappy.. I wish there was more I could say to you, but all I have to say is that you were always a great brother and I love you very much.. Please don't blame yourself.

Charlie.. I'm so glad I met you. You became my best and only friend and for that I am so thankful. You are an amazing person and anyone would be lucky to have you in their life. You never knew that I was depressed, I wasn't going to tell you... I didn't want you to worry because I thought I could do this... I was wrong. I'm sorry.

Hey Dean, so you got what you wanted. I'm out of your life for good now. I hope you're happy. Maybe now you can get a roommate who isn't a complete looser, someone you can actually get along with. I'm nothing right? A "stuck up asshole" as you called me, right? Well whatever. You hated me and so now I'm gone from your life. You don't have to worry about me anymore. Goodbye.

Castiel.

With a shaky breath Cas tore the page out of his notebook and placed it somewhere Dean would see it.

He took one final glance around their room, soon to be Dean's room, and then walked out, making his way to the roof.

His feet padded against the cold wooden flooring as he made his way to and up the staircase at the end of the hall.

He wouldn't have the guts to hang himself, he'd heard of some people who had done it and their neck hadn't broken right away so they had to strangle to death.

He didn't have a gun, so he couldn't shoot himself.

He didn't have the guts or patience to wait to bleed out on the floor, someone would find him before he would die.

He couldn't overdose because there were ways of surviving that if someone got to him in time.

So it came down to this. He would jump off of the roof and that seemed perfectly fine to him. There were no ways of surviving a three story drop off of the roof that he knew of except not doing it in the first place.

There would be no more Castiel Novak. There would only be the memory of Castiel Novak. The pathetic, depressed, looser who decided life was too much at twenty three.

And as he got to the top of the stairs he thought to himself, the world will be so much better when I'm gone. And at that thought he smiled. He smiled as he stepped onto the edge.


	7. Don't Do This

Dean was shocked, to say the least, as he put down Castiel's suicide note. He was terrified, he hadn't realised how much of an impact he was having on the boys emotional status.

He hoped that he wasn't too late, too late for what though? What would his roommate do to stop the beating of his heart?

There were few options, available to him in the college, but Dean knew he had to think quickly.

He would start with the bathroom.

The Winchester dove out the door and down the hall. He slammed open the bathroom door and flicked the light on, looking around. "Cas?!" He called out, hoping Castiel would call out to him to correct him, but no response came.

He looked in every stall and then anywhere else he could have hidden in the room before he took off down the hallway, looking around wildly.

Dean saw that the door to the roof was slightly ajar and he nearly froze in shock at the boys plan, however, he pushed on faster, hurrying up the wooden staircase, hoping he wasn't too late.

He made it up too and looked around for his roommate, spotting him out on the ledge, foot raised to take the first and final step.

His heart was hammering in his chest at the sight and he felt his stomach churn. Fuck! He thought to himself.

"Cas! What the hell?! Don't you fucking jump!"


	8. Five Steps

This is it... Castiel thought as he stared out over the edge of the roof. This is where I say goodbye...

He never wanted it to go this far. He never wanted to want to kill himself again, to crave death.

The sad thing was, he didn't cry. Most people in this predicament would be in tears at this point, but no, not Castiel. He locked his pain inside.

He had always dreamt of the end, to start all over again. Castiel let all happy memories slip away, all except the memories of Dean, though he didn't know why.

He had tried to end it before, but people had always found him just in time before he bled out. If he did it this way, if he jumped off the roof of his college building no one would be able to save him.

His lifeless corpse would be scraped up by morning and no one would miss him.. Well okay, maybe that was a lie. Gabriel would miss him, and so would Charlie... He hated the thought of hurting them, but he didn't see any other options.

He took a deep breath and shut his eyes, lifting up one of his legs to take the first step.

"Cas! What the hell?! Don't you fucking jump!"

Castiel put his foot down and turned to face Dean, eyebrows furrowed.

Dean looked panicked and somewhat out of breath as if he had been running. "Why are you doing this?" He asked, stepping closer.

Cas shook his head and rubbed at his eyes in order to stop the tears that were threatening to fall at the sight of his roommate. He couldn't cry now. "Why do you care? You hate me anyways. With me gone you can get a roommate that you actually like, someone who isn't stupid like me." He pointed out, hugging himself.

With a small frown on his face Dean moved closer again. "So what if I hate you? That doesn't mean I'm heartless! Is that why you want to kill yourself? Because I hate you, which, by the way, I don't! I'm just returning your attitude."

He rolled his eyes. "Yeah right! I can tell when someone hates me Dean, now why don't you do us both the favour and let me jump." Cas' gaze softened a little as he turned back around to look over the edge.

Dean sighed and moved so he was right behind Cas. "I don't hate you..." His voice was soft, truthful. He stood next to Cas suddenly, right on the edge with him.

"What're you doing?" Cas asked, slight panic in his voice. He looked at Dean incredulously.

"If you jump, I'm jumping with you. You're not taking that step alone."

"No, go back inside."

"Cas, I'm not leaving you alone when you're about to jump."

"Stop calling me Cas, my name is Castiel!."

"You really want to get into that argument right now?"

"Whatever."

Dean clenched his jaw and pulled Cas back from the edge. "Look at me. Fucking look at me, right now!" He demanded, forcefully tipping Cas' face up to look him in the eyes.

Cas tried to pull away, but soon gave up when he realised that he wasn't strong enough.

Dean relaxed his grip on the others arms. "I understand that you're upset, but this isn't the answer. I don't hate you, I've never hated you. In fact, it's the exact opposite, I like you- a lot. Cas, I- look.. I've never been good with words, but seriously, whatever it is that makes you feel like you should do this isn't important and maybe you should just talk about it instead of keeping your pain and anger locked up, it's only gonna hurt you more and you'll just end up on the edge again..." He sighed quietly, pulling Cas into a hug.

Castiel started to cry as he pulled away. "You don't understand Dean... It's not that simple! This is the right thing... I'm not worth it! I'm a freak!" He shook his head slowly and went back to the edge.

Dean opened his mouth to speak, but no sound came out so he did the next best thing. He turned Cas around and kissed him deeply, holding his shoulders gently, but firmly.

When he pulled back Cas was staring at him with wide blue eyes, mouth slightly agape. "Please don't do this.." Dean begged.

Cas moved a little closer to the edge, shaking his head again, a look of shock and fear spreading across his facial features.

"Just take my hand... Give it a chance, don't jump. Please."

The dark haired man shook his head profusely as more tears fell, he backed up quickly and accidentally fell over the edge, a short scream escaping his lips. Just as he thought he was done for, Dean had reached out and grasped his hand firmly.

"Cas, give me your other hand." Dean instructed. He looked terrified as he tried his best to pull Cas up by one arm.

Cas willed his other arm upwards and took hold of Dean's free hand, eyes squeezing shut tightly as the brunet pulled him back up to safety.

Step one: try.

Dean felt Cas' hands slipping, damp with sweat. "Cas, come on buddy." He looked panicked, tightening his grip.

Cas moved his hand, turning it so his own hands could grip Dean's wrists, getting a tighter hold, more secure.

Dean got him back to safety with one final tug, knocking him backwards, resulting in Castiel sprawled across his chest.

"Why?"

"Because you're worth it."

"No, Dean... I'm not worth it. I'm nothing."

"Cas-" he sighed. "Castiel, you are beyond worth it, I love you okay? I may have a fucked up way of showing it, but I do,"

The dark haired man looked up at Dean in shock, an unknown feeling taking residence in his heart. Perhaps it was a sign of reciprocated feelings.

Step two: find something worth fighting for.

He didn't know what to say to him, in fact he didn't know if he could bring himself to speak. Did Dean love him? Probably not... He was probably only saying it to make Castiel give up on his attempt to kill himself.

Castiel's eyes narrowed slightly. "How do I know you're not just saying you love me because you don't want to feel guilty about my suicide?"

Dean's eyebrows furrowed. "Cas- what? No. That's not what's going on here. I've liked you for a while now... I just needed to find the right moment to tell you..."

"And my attempting suicide was the "right moment"?" The dark haired man crossed his arms.

"I'm trying to make things right with you and you're already trying to pick a fight again!"

"You don't love me."

"You can't tell me how to feel."

"If you love me, let me go."

With that, Cas left again. Cutting out what had been seeming to make him unhappy all that time.

He went back to the dorm, ignoring Charlie when she tried to ask him what happened. He didn't mean to be rude to her, but he just didn't want to talk at the moment.

Step three: eliminate what makes you unhappy.

Cas stepped into the room and started packing his things, he was going to move in with Gabriel. He needed time away from Dean.

He found his bags under the bed and tossed clothes and valuables into one bag and everything else into the other bag, except for his blankets and one outfit so he had something for the next day since he figured Gabriel would be a little preoccupied tonight.

"What are you doing?" Dean's voice called out urgently.

Cas looked up at him, their eyes locking in a heated battle of fanfiction-green and Tardis-blue.

"I'm leaving the dorm, tomorrow."

Dean's eyes widened. "What..?"

The dark haired man shook his head and then sighed before speaking, "I'm leaving tomorrow. I'm moving in with my brother." Cas resumed packing.

Dean took Cas by the shoulders and stopped him from moving. "You can't just do this. I care about you Cas.... Please stay." He begged, that's right. Dean freaking Winchester begged.

"I told you already, if you love me-"

"Let you go. I get it Cas, but I can't just let you go." Dean interrupted. "That's not who I am. When I care about someone I can't just let them go. I'm gonna fight to keep you here! I'll fight to make you see that I love you."

That left Cas speechless, he stared at Dean, surprise written across his tear stained face. "Dean-"

"No, Cas. You listen to me! I'm not letting you go. Get that through your thick skull!"

He sighed quietly and looked at his green eyed roommate, not saying anything because, well, what could he say?

Step four: Recognise when someone truly cares and wants the best for you.

"I just want you to be okay, Cas... I don't want to see you leave, I-"

"Okay."

"What?"

"I'll stay."

And once more their eyes met and locked in a silent conversation that seemed to speak volumes more than their words ever did.

After a while the two noted that they had started gravitating closer towards each other and Castiel was the one to take a step back.

The taller of the two let his eyes flicker over Castiel's practically empty side of the room before he made a move to start putting things back in their rightful places, starting with all of his roommates books and box sets of Doctor Who and Sherlock.

It took a moment for Cas to realise what Dean was doing as he had been too caught up in his thoughts before. "What are you doing?"

"You said you were staying. I'm putting your things back." Dean paused briefly.

Cas' eyebrows furrowed. "I can do that on my own..."

Dean turned to face him, pain flashing in his eyes momentarily. "Stop doing that."

"What?"

"Stop pushing me away..."

The sheer hurt in Dean's voice was enough to make Cas swallow his words and fumble to form his next sentence. "I'm sorry." He responded, not seeing anything else he could say.

Dean barely nodded before he resumed in putting things away, starting on carefully putting the Novak's clothes on hangers and in his closet

Step five: take a chance.

"Dean-" He cut himself off immediately, not knowing what to say.

He turned to look at him again. "Yeah?"

"I- uh... Can we- can we try something...?"

With furrowed eyebrows the other man walked over to Cas, stopping just in front of him. "What are we trying..?"

Cas, without any explanation, stepped closer and leaned in, hesitantly placing his lips against Dean's.

Dean's surprise was made obvious when he didn't kiss back straight away, but he quickly responded, moving his lips carefully against Cas'.

He felt himself melting against the tenderness of the kiss, letting Dean wrap him in his arms and tear down the walls he had tried so desperately to build up. Cas' eyes fluttered shut in the blissful intensity of the kiss.

After a few more seconds, Dean parted their lips, pressing his forehead against Castiel's to keep them close enough to share breath. His eyes were open and his lips parted just slightly.

Cas wallowed in the afterglow of the kiss for just a moment longer before he allowed his eyes to flutter open. He took a moment to realise that all of this had happened with the door open, giving them an audience of their peers who had woken up because of them, but he didn't care.

A small smile tugged at Dean's lips as he stared into his eyes. "Is that you saying you love me too..?" He asked in a hushed voice, only loud enough for Cas to hear.

Cas nodded as much as he was able without disturbing the way they were. "Its me saying I want to give this a chance." He responded in the same hushed manner.

"Good." Dean pressed their lips together again, keeping this kiss just as gentle and slow, just savouring the feeling.


	9. Lacklustre Enthusiasm

It had been about a week since Castiel's attempt at suicide and he honestly couldn't be happier, oh wait. He COULD be happier, if his stupid boyfriend would stop hogging the damn blankets, like honestly...

Cas sighed and shoved him lightly earning a low groan of annoyance from him. "Dean Winchester, get up!" He demanded.

"No, 'm sleeping..." He slurred out, voice rougher than usual.

"Dean!" Cas exclaimed, batting him over the head with his pillow. "At least let go of me, I have class," he argued with a whine, trying to pry Dean's arms from around his waist.

Dean made a quiet grunting noise, tightening his grip a little. "No you don't..." He was cut off with a yawn. "'s Saturday..."

He rolled his eyes and somehow managed to remove the other from his waist, using a text book as a pry bar. "It's Thursday." Castiel huffed, running a hand through his hair only succeeding in making it messier. He looked around for his clothes and spotted his favourite black dress. Dean still didn't know that he was gender fluid..

"Thursday?"

An exasperated sigh left Cas' lips. "Yeah, Thursday. You have work today. Why do you think I was trying to wake you up idiot."

He sat up and looked at his room-mate with half lidded green eyes which held a lacklustre enthusiasm that normally would have made Cas laugh if he didn't know that they were both going to be late if they didn't hurry up.

His eyes went wide when he realized that he literally had nothing to wear except that dress. Cas hesitated in grabbing it, nervously thinking about the many different reactions that Dean could have to something like this.

Dean seemed to notice his hesitation as he looked over at Castiel with a raised eyebrow. "You okay there, Cas?" He asked kindly, getting up and wrapping his arms around his boyfriends waist.

Cas let out an awkward chuckle. "Ugh, yeah... I'm okay, just gotta get dressed, you know? Gonna have to do laundry today.."

"Hate to break it to you, but, uh, Castiel? Your nerves are showing."

Cas' amusement was immediately present in his pout- wait, he wasn't amused. Oops, he must have mistaken his annoyance with amusement again.

Dean chuckled softly and ruffled his hair. "What's up Cassy-floss? Normally you're fine with changing in front of me."

"Ugh..." Cas blushed. "So there may be something I haven't told you yet..."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm genderfluid."


	10. So You Wear Girl Clothes?

"Okay." Dean said calmly.

Cas furrowed his brow. "Okay?"

He nodded. "Okay," Dean repeated.

"You have no clue what genderfluid is, do you?"

"Not a clue."

Cas rolled his eyes at Dean and sighed. "Okay, how do I explain this... Um, genderfluid is a gender identity which refers to a gender which varies over time. A gender fluid person may at any time identify as male, female, neutrois, or any other non-binary identity, or some combination of identities." Secretly, Cas had looked up the definition so that he could properly phrase it because in all honesty he had no idea how to explain what it was.

Dean made an 'O' shape with his mouth, to which Cas giggled at a bit. "So you wear girls clothes?" He asked rather bluntly.

Cas rolled his eyes and nodded. "Yeah, and when I'm wearing girls clothes I identify as a girl, whereas when I'm dressed in boy clothes...." He trailed off, hoping Dean would get the hint.

"You're a boy..?" He finished questioningly.

He nodded. "Exactly." Cas smiled a bit, glad Dean seemed to understand what he was saying.

"So I wasn't imagining things that one morning."

"Wait... What?"

"That one day where I saw you at work, you were wearing a skirt in the morning, weren't you?"

"Yeah... I didn't even notice you looking at me..."

Dean let out a hearty laugh. "Yeah, I do that every morning, I always check to make sure you're not like dead, or something."

The dark haired man's cheeks heated up and he bit his lip lightly.

The Winchester ruffled his boyfriends hair and gestured to the outfit on his shelf. "You gonna get dressed or what?"

Cas nodded and hurriedly moved to start stripping while Dean walked back to his side of the room.

He tugged on his form fitting black dress, making sure it was smoothed out properly and laying properly over his thighs, coming down to just before his knees.

Castiel was glad that he had shaved his legs the day before, and he was obviously thankful that he had a slightly feminine physique, nice hips, and nice legs.

When Cas was done getting ready he slipped on a pair of black, eight hole boots, lacing them up properly before turning to look at Dean who was currently doing his best to fix his hair. "Dean, why don't I do that for you..." He offered.

Dean turned to look at him, surprise etched across his face. "You look really good in that dress..." He muttered, watching as his boyfriend purposely swayed his hips in a provocative way as he walked over. He gulped audibly.

Castiel smirked a little to himself, stopping in front of him and reaching up to fix his hair, doing so with ease.

When Cas made the move to remove his hands from the others hair and rest them at his own sides, Dean took them and laced their fingers.

He leaned in slowly and pressed their lips together in a gentle and caring kiss.


	11. Dork Means Whale Penis

As the days flew by for the couple, Dean had managed to get Cas out of his shell, not entirely, mind you... But he managed to get Castiel to go to, and enjoy being at dorm parties with him.

For instance, take the one they were at right now. It was a large party, chalk full of the LGBTQ+ community and it's supporters and there Cas was, cheering Dean on as he played some beer pong, drinking a cold beer which he was sharing with his boyfriend.

Dean cast an adoring look back at Cas. "I will win this in your honor. You are my lucky charm." He stated with a charming smile.

Castiel giggled like a giddy school girl. "Am I magically delicious, too?" He asked, making a very obvious joke.

"Better tasting than pie." Dean claimed, kissing Cas' beer flavoured mouth with his lips and tongue, arms wrapped around him as he decided to completely desert the game.

The blue eyed man knitted his fingers in Dean's hair, nearly moaning against his plush pink lips when the man gripped his ass.

It was as if the whole party- the whole world, had faded away and it was only them, kissing, touching, slamming into furniture as they tried to find their way to their room, or at least a spot against the wall.

It wasn't until Charlie walked over and flicked their cheeks that they came back to reality, each blushing at the amused look on the red head's face.

"Hey Char-" Castiel squeaked.

Dean offered a wave, licking his lips as he stuffed his hands in the front pockets of his blue washed jeans.

She rolled her eyes, chuckling at their responses. "Hey Dean. Hiya, Cas."

"We were just- uh-"

"Getting ready to fuck against that wall?" Charlie inquired, looking as though this situation amused her to no end.

"No- we were testing it's stability while Dean checked my mouth to see if there was a cut on the inside of my cheek." Castiel lied on the spot, hoping that would be a good excuse.

Dean looked over at Cas in surprise, a bit impressed by how fast his boyfriend had come up with that.

Charlie shook her head, smiling. "You're both massive dorks-"

"Dork actually means "whale penis" ...Just fyi..."

Both Dean and Charlie gave Cas a "what the actual fuck" look.


End file.
